"A Final Bit of Closure"

Roshelle's mom text messaged me yesterday to let me know that her headstone was placed Tuesday. So I took a break from studying and went to take pictures of the headstone. So now the sacred ground that she rests in is officially named.

"Be Thankful Alway's"

Today I was pondering the many blessings that are in my life and I feel it's important to express them openly.

1) I'm Thankful for an all loving Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ. I'm Thankful for The Savior's atoning sacrifice
and His death and resurrection.

2) I'm Thankful for the Prophet Joseph Smith. " Praise to the Man who communed with Jehovah."

3) I'm Thankful for a Prophet and Apostles that lead and guide the Lord's church in these troubled times.

4) I'm Thankful for Temples that are springing up around the world. I'm Thankful for covenants that are made in the "House of
the Lord." I'm Thankful for eternal marriage and the doctrine that lies therein, that Husband and Wife can be married for
time and all eternity.

5) I'm Thankful for the power of the priesthood and all the blessings that spring from it.

6) I'm Thankful for my wife Roshelle. I'm Thankful for her Christ like love for me, her faith, her testimony, her forgiveness, her
heart, her trust, and all eternity with her as my companion. I'm Thankful for the time that we had with each other and that
we lived a covenant marriage. It was a pleasure to serve you for the duration of our marriage. Thank you for teaching me
how to become more like the Savior by serving you. I'm honored to be your husband!

7) I'm Thankful for my friend Collette even though you are gone. I'm Thankful for all that you have done for me and my wife.
Roshelle was on cloud nine after you took her to go get her hair cut in May. Thank you for putting a smile on her face.
Thank you for your love, your friendship, your trust, your kindness, and warm embrace. Please remember me!

8) I'm Thankful for Roshelle's parents and siblings. I'm Thankful for their Christ like love and support during our marriage.
I'm forever grateful that they raised such an incredible daughter and trusted me with her care. They have become true
friends and they love me as their own.

9) I'm Thankful for amazing friends, ward members, class mates, teachers, and even complete strangers that saw that Roshelle and
I couldn't do it alone. It was truly a group effort in this labor of love for Roshelle and I. Thank you from the bottom of my
heart.

10) I'm Thankful for " The Power of Deliverance."

11) I'm Thankful that the Lord is directing friends into my life, as well as compensating blessings to buffer what I have lost.

12) I'm Thankful for the Holy Ghost. I have seen much and felt much since Roshelle went into the hospital. I'm Thankful for the
Comforter that speaks peace to my broken heart. I'm Thankful for being lead by the spirit on a daily bases.

13) I'm Thankful for the chance to receive an education and to be able secure a better tomorrow because of that.

14) I'm Thankful for these experiences that have taught me so much. I can see how the Lord is refining me and sculpting me
for the eternities. I can see how He is preparing me for things that will shortly come. I'm Thankful for such a clear eternal
perspective at such a young age and I find that I've become wiser beyond my life experiences.

"Grief"

I don't think I have had a full night's sleep since Collette and I broke up November 1st. I've had very few since Roshelle passed away as well. I find myself mentally, physically, and emotionally spent. Their is a heart ache that never leaves me, it keeps me up all night, and follows me around everywhere I go. Their is nothing that seems to take it away, it is always their, and their is no escape. I ran into a 28 year old widow of two and a half years that works in the ICU and she said, "Jeremy it will never go away." I'm well aware of that!!

I can't tell you how hard it is to have your wife die. It's almost as if my very being has been shattered to a million pieces, my polar star has lost it's light, the light house off in the distance is no more. I can still see every detail of her face, I can remember the touch of her hand, I hear her giggling in the next room, I can hear her still whisper I love you in my ear, and I lone to be with her. I miss my friend, my soul mate, my eternal companion, the love of my life, the women of my dreams, the capture of my heart. You loved me unconditionally despite my weaknesses, you believed in me, you built me up, and you fought for your life just so we could have a few more moments with each other. I want you back, their is so much left undone, like raise a family, move into our first home, buy a new car, and just go and live our lives. I know why you had to leave, it's ok, your mine for all of time and all eternity. Until we meet again!!


I miss my best friend and I wish I could have her back!!!!

" The Unbreakable Bonds of the Temple Sealing"

I remember sitting outside the University of Utah Hospital in August of 2006, I was losing hope that Roshelle would survive this hospital visit, and I was heart broken. I looked across the valley to behold the rain filled sky and the lighting crashing to the ground off in the distance, and the smell of rain. What I saw, was truly how I felt inside, I felt that I was being engulfed in a storm.

This was the moment when I felt the true welding of the temple sealing. I knew without a doubt that death or hell could not separate us, it was absolutely unbreakable. It was an amazing experience! I felt that link again in April of 2008, after Roshelle coughed up blood in the hospital, we thought that it was the end, and we cried in each others arms, and said our goodbyes. I felt it throughout her last hospitalization, it helped me in those last few hours of her life as she sat in my arms for the last time on this earth. I remember thinking about all the memories that I had of her and I just cried softly as she faded off to sleep. Theirs not a day that goes by that I don't feel that eternal bond between us

I'm thankful for the Temples that now dot the world, I'm thankful for the sealing power of the Priesthood of God. I'm eternally thankful that the two of us put the Lord first in our lives and honored our covenants. I know families can be together for ever, I know this in some of the most intimate way's, and because I'm living it..

"The Pornography Plague"

About a week ago I found a web site that had women tell their personal stories about their husbands addiction to pornography. I could feel their pain and their anguish for just a moment. My heart broke for them and for their kids. I can't even imagine the literal hell that they must have been through and are still going through. It was sad to see them lose their identity, even their very existance, and to even see some think it was their fault. It truly was sickening to see this.

The closes I've come to feeling like these women is sometime when I got home from my mission. I was up stairs on the computer and I looked down to throw some trash in the garbage and their to my disbelief a playboy magazine was laying in the trash can. My dad was just up their on the computer and I for some reason connected it to him. I was absolutely devastated! I could picture my family being destroyed by it and losing the blessings of eternity because of it. I felt that my father had betrayed all of us. I felt inspired to pray and so I did. By the time I was done with the prayer, I knew that the magazine was not his, and I knew who it belonged to. I was relieved!

Satan is so darn smart and crafty. I liken his plan to a knight fighting a dragon, you can't hurt the dragon by body blows, you have to cut off it's head. This is what Satan is doing in LDS families and families across the world. The head of the dragon is the father in the home and with it, the Priesthood of God. His plan is quite simple, destroy the man first (Doctrine and Covenants 42:23), "And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit", and the wife will soon be destroyed, and the children next.

It's amazing how one man's poor decisions over 15+ plus years ago affect my life now. I have never partaken of this evil and yet it has indirectly affected my life in the last three months. I have seen first hand the affects it has on a wife and I've been let into some of the most darkest times of her life, and it is scary. I can see how it affected our relationship and how it might have led to it's demise. In fact the underlying cause of our break up, I believe is because of the emotional damage that had occured to this woman many years ago.

I actually despise this man! How could you walk away from this beautiful woman, this Child of God, his daughter, this wonderful mother, your eternal companion, your two children, and all eternity with them. I loved your wife and your children with all my heart and soul. I loved them and treated them like you should've. Do you know how lucky you were to have a wife who loved you with all her heart and soul. I would've given anything to have had what you had with her. You should be ashamed of yourself because,"...Ye have broken the heart of your tender wife, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds" (Jacob 2:35).

To my friend who asked, "Can I ever be fully healed of this." My answer is absolutely "yes" you can. The Lord has blessed you with an unconquerable spirit, a spirit that yearns for righteousness, and a spirit that desires His Kingdom. The Savior came into this world to " bind up the broken hearted" and it's by His sacrifice that we can be made whole again. I promise you, "... eyes that are wet will one day be tearless" (LDS Hymn,"Do What Is Right"). My prayers will be forever with you. Love you my friend, even though you are gone!

6th year wedding anniversary!

Last night I brought out the old wedding album to remember that special day. I couldn't help noticing how young we looked, how naive we were to what lied ahead. It was a wonderful day. I remember the strong feelings that were felt that day and the peace of knowing that it was right. I also remember wondering if I loved this women enough to get through the hard times. Did I really love her? It wasn't until five weeks later that I was tested to the very limits of the love that I had for her. I remember the doctor telling me that Roshelle was very sick and the next 24 to 48 hours would determine if she was going to live. I went back to the room, got down on my knee's and poured my heart out to the Lord that he would spare her life. I actually never said a word in this prayer. It was the groanings of my heart that offered this prayed. I couldn't physically utter a word. That day would be the story of our marriage. It wasn't until January 2003, that they got the bleeding to finally stop. It was through this ordeal that let me know that I loved this person with all my heart. I found this quote not long after this ordeal tucked in my scriptures by President Spencer W. Kimball: "What is love? Many people think of it as mere physical attraction and they casually speak of 'falling in love' and 'love at first sight.' This may be Hollywood's version and the interpretation of those who write love songs and love fiction. True love is not wrapped up in flimsy material. One might become immediately attracted to another individual, but love is far more than physical attraction. It is deep, inclusive, and comprehensive. Physical attraction is one of the many elements; there must be faith and confidence and understanding and partnership. There must be common ideals and standards. There must be great devotion and companionship. Love is cleanliness and progress and sacrifice and selflessness. This kind of love never tires or wanes, but lives through sickness and sorrow, poverty and privation, accomplishment and disappointment, time and eternity."
It brings great joy to know that I loved this women with all my heart. I'm thankful for the time that I was given with her. I can look back and know that I gave her my all and she gave me her all as well. I'm thankful for covenants that Roshelle and I made in the temple. It was the only way that we could have gotten through this. I love you Roshelle!

Moving on

Moving on. How does one do this when you still live in the life that you once shared together. I walk into the house and expect to see her on the couch. I walk into the different rooms of the house looking for her and she's not there. My phone rings and I look to see if its her. I wake up in the middle of the night crying and calling out her name. I search Roshelle's friends and families blogs hoping that I some how might find her or I learn something new about her. Moving on. Hmmmmm, maybe one day.

"Until we meet again"

At 7:30a.m. Roshelle leigh Evans passed away from complications from cystic fibrosis. I would like to thank all our friends and family for your thoughts and prayers. Funeral details are pending.

"Women why weepest thou"

During the last two to three weeks we have seen a steady decline in Roshelle's health. She has been more short of breath and has had increased pain with it. We both knew it was just a matter of time before the next crisis. Today around 3:30p.m. Roshelle called me in a panick. She was coughing up blood! It took the nursing staff a while to answer the call light, but they finally did. I talked to the nurse and she called the CF team doctor and got them running. When I arrived at the hospital her dad had already made it there. Roshelle expressed to him that she didn't want to cough up blood again. We discussed this as a family and deciced to go with pallitive care sedation this evening. Roshelle and I have discussed this at lenght about when it could be appropriate to do this. We didn't want to play God and shorten her life. The problem with the last year of Roshelle's disease is that we have been quickly painted into a corner. The disease progression eventualy becomes a one way street. Going back hasn't been an option this past two years.
This evening Roshelle's dad, and two brothers gathered and said goodbye this evening. Shortly after Roshelle was given sedation medicines to take away the severe shortness of breath that she was having post hemoptysis. At this time she is resting comfortably as I type this. Roshelle will probably passaway sometime today and part the veil its just a matter of when.
One of my favorite accounts is in the first four gospels of the new testament. When Mary Magdaline(can't spell)went too the tomb of her Master and found it empty, she was distraught and wanted to know where they had taken her Lord. A man appeared to her and she being stricken with grief didn't reconize the ressurected Savior. The Savior asked her "women why weepest thou", and then testified that he has risen. I believe that the Savior just wasn't talking to her when he said those words. I believe he was talking to us all. When one of our own love one's departs us, the Saviors words "why weepest thou" was meant for us as well. The most important words that were said in this story was "He is risen"
I would like to thank all our dear sweet friends and family for their love and support during these difficult two years. I will let everyone know when Roshelle passes and funeral arrangements.

My Day

The afternoon after I woke up, the lady from ultrasound woke me up from my nap, and when I woke up I realized my thighs really hurt, a lot of tingling pain. So I just sat there while she did the ultrasound on my right arm. She diden't find anything, good news. They still don't know what is causing my arm to be twice the size it is. So after she left, I tried to get in a chair, and WOW, was that painful. I couldn't straighten my right leg at all and so I quickly got in the chair, sat down. Boy, did they both hurt!

I tried to get back in bed. That hurt worse. I got in the chair again, and it still hurt. I can't remember if I took my Ativan. I took some Ativan late afternoon and prayed to go to sleep because it hurt so bad. I looked pretty silly with seven or eight pullows in every direction, trying to manipulate my legs so they were set where I wanted them, also my back and head.

(I'm not sure all this is in the right order.) I woke up and got in the chair again because I felt better and my brother arrived. My mom sent up some food, which was perfect timing, because the cafeteria food was so bad. I had ordered spaghetti, but this is what I got.

I started eating while my brother went to the cafeteria. He got back a little past seven. I pulled up the TV guide on the computer to see what we could watch. Normally, we watch a show at 8 that we watch together, but it wasn't on. It wasn't on for three whole weeks. We went to the web site, which said it was on. It said it was on Aug. 5, so my brother looked at his phone and it said it was Aug. 4, and the sign on my wall said it was Aug. 4. My brother usually stays with me on Tuesdays, so we were both confused and found there was nothing to watch on TV! That was sad!

We ended up watching a couple hours of stupid, stupid TV. Since we were both tired, we went to sleep.

A Tribute to My Two Dogs....

This is just as hard as a tribute to my husband! (which I thought of doing but wont) These little doggies are the best doggies in the world! I swear! I know ever body says that but this is true!

These girls are so tuned in to you, expecially Chugs she has always been there for me, she knows when I need her, even before I do sometimes!

They love to snuggle, A LOT!!!!

They are so full of LOVE....

Since others have picked up on how much I love my dogs and that they mean a lot to me I have had many give me stuffed dogs to help me get through my hospital stay, since Texas is a deep sleeper I was able get a picture of her with the animals...

The great outdoors...

Texas got on her hind legs to look out the window and it was so cute, since she stood like that for awhile I suggested to Jeremy that he get a chair for her. It worked she sat there looking out the window for quite some time, and then Chugs waited for her turn!!!!

Chugs likes to use her turn to 'fur tan' as we call it.

Encouraging words.....

I read this wonderful talk by Richard G. Scott entitled "Finding Joy in Life" from the May 1996 Ensign, here are some quotes I liked....

You are one of the noblest of God’s creations. His intent is that your life be gloriously beautiful regardless of your circumstances. As you are grateful and obedient, you can become all that God intends you to be.

Sadness, disappointment, and severe challenge are events in life, not life itself. I do not minimize how hard some of these events are. They can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining center of everything you do. The Lord inspired Lehi to declare the fundamental truth, “Men are, that they might have joy.” That is a conditional statement: “they might have joy.” It is not conditional for the Lord. His intent is that each of us finds joy. It will not be conditional for you as you obey the commandments, have faith in the Master, and do the things that are necessary to have joy here on earth.

Your joy in life depends upon your trust in Heavenly Father and His holy Son, your conviction that their plan of happiness truly can bring you joy. Pondering their doctrine will let you enjoy the beauties of this earth and enrich your relationships with others. It will lead you to the comforting, strengthening experiences that flow from prayer to Father in Heaven and the answers He gives in return.

A pebble held close to the eye appears to be a gigantic obstacle. Cast on the ground, it is seen in perspective. Likewise, problems or trials in our lives need to be viewed in the perspective of scriptural doctrine. Otherwise they can easily overtake our vision, absorb our energy, and deprive us of the joy and beauty the Lord intends us to receive here on earth. Some people are like rocks thrown into a sea of problems. They are drowned by them. Be a cork. When submerged in a problem, fight to be free to bob up to serve again with happiness.

You are here on earth for a divine purpose. It is not to be endlessly entertained or to be constantly in full pursuit of pleasure. You are here to be tried, to prove yourself so that you can receive the additional blessings God has for you. The tempering effect of patience is required. Some blessings will be delivered here in this life; others will come beyond the veil. The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience. If you question everything you are asked to do, or dig in your heels at every unpleasant challenge, you make it harder for the Lord to bless you.

Your agency, the right to make choices, is not given so that you can get what you want. This divine gift is provided so that you will choose what your Father in Heaven wants for you. That way He can lead you to become all that He intends you to be. That path leads to glorious joy and happiness.

More pics....

Not much else to do but take and edit photos! Now that I have a system worked out. I have a great post in my head for next time (or as soon as I can) so check back... I just cropped these and love them....

Texas and Chugs at the Hospital...

Okay I think I got it, I think I can put some photos on the blog,Yippe! Here are some from last night, speaking of which, they havde spent the night twice so far and are really good dogs, the first night Chugs barked whenever someone came in the room (and I know you know how often that is! at leat for me it's every hour. But they have really enjoyed being up here you can tell, they love to fight and play again and just be with us, be a family again.
Hope these pictures turned out okay, remember it's a phone camera!

Testing..1.2.3.testing....

I took some pictures on my phone, sent them to my mom, had my mom email them to her and then email them to me(or maybe she just emailed me from her phone don't know), at least I have some pictures to post!

Update: I have gotten one to post, why can't I get the others???????

5 Weeks....

and yes, still counting!!!!!!! I haven't updated because I really don't know what to say! Nothing really has changed since the last time I posted, I still have one of my little 'piggy' chest tube in, still working on how long I can be off the bi-pap, really nothing new! just living day to day.

So although I said I still have my little piggy in I should get it out today!!!! fingers crossed we have been saying that everyday for half of the week! But we did a CT scan (I am getting to be a pro at them!) and there is really no air so we will pull it to day and hopefully that will help some of the pain.

Speaking of pain, we moved around some of my pain meds and boy did I feel it yesterday, not a good day, and the last few days I have been super sleepy, I hate feeling so sleepy all day, and even when I am awake, I am fight sleep! Hope that gets better.

Chugs and Texas came on Wed. night and spent the night with us and then went home with J Wed. night. they are so good at the hospital they love everyone that comes in, well except for males and the cleaning lady (poor cleaning lady, everytime she opened the door they started barking at her, she finally got an HCA, who the dogs happen to really like and came in after her, all she did that day was change the trash cans!).

Guess that's all, just a little reminder to everyone: UPDATE YOUR BLOGS! that is what brightens my day! I can't wait to get on the computer and read your blogs!

What to type?

I don't know what to type, it's been yet another week, now I have been in here four weeks!!!! That's crazy! The dr.s are happy that my chest tube doesn't seem to have any leaks anymore! They should be taking the suction off and then later will clamp it and then will pull it out!

I have good days and bad days, good times of the day and bad times of the day. I try to take naps but let's face it that doesn't happen in the hospital!

Breaking Records...

That's me a record breaker! Just not of any records that I want to break! Yesterday I totally forgot to add that I had tied my record of longest hospital stay so today I break that record!

Also yesterday I finally got my hair washed!!! Only going a full three weeks without washing my hair! I know, I know, I'm a cosmotologist how could I do that? basically because I can't wash it! They do have a 'shampoo cap' but that doesn't work, they heat it in the microwave, put it on your head massage it around and it does have some soap in it but they let it cool and take it off and that's it! a no rinse solution, therefore it is still in your hair and I feel makes my hair feel worse than before, so that's why I haven't done one this visit, but one of the HCA's here told me she could wash my hair if I could just sit in a chair, sure I said, so we did it yesterday and not only did she wash it but she blow-dryed it too! Oh it felt so so good! So now my hair doesn't look quite so bad.

As for our fourth of July, we didn't go to bed until 5am!!!!!!! but it wasn't because of a big party or fireworks, instead it was because of my special lungs! I kept getting a little more short of breath as the day worn on yesterday and finally around bedtime it was getting worse so the intern came in and we did a chest x-ray, ABG, etc.. had him call the DR. because with me it's never simple, dr. said I needed to do a CT scan, we all remember what fun we had last time right?

Well, wasn't as bad this time, came back to the room and in an hour or two told us we would be going to CT to check-out the chest tube or maybe even put in a new one, they saw a good amount of air in there, so we went down about 3 in the morning and I'm so grateful that the dr. drove over an hour to be there, he was the one that put it in, so he was able to just pull it out a little and it was in the right spot and they got a lot of air out right away, I didn't feel a major difference in breathing like all the other times, but then again it wasn't as bad, at least I did feel better and my breathing is much better today.

My little doggies are coming up to visit me tonight! Yippee!

Happy Fourth of July!

I hope everyone has a Happy, Fun, and Safe Fourth of July, I will be enjoying fireworks from my hospital room but I am grateful that I have such a beautiful view and that it will (or should) include a view of a good fireworks show.

Not much to report or say, I have a couple really good days and then a couple of not so great days, still just watching the little chest tube, may have it all weekend.

Well, just watching the U.S. Olympic Swim Trials, can't wait for the Olympics, wow that's next month!

How are things now?

Well, still here, still here. I can't believe how fast time goes. Since the last update I got my big chest tube pulled so that was so nice I can move around so much better and don't have to lean on my right side so much! I am also getting out of bed everyday, need to get walking the halls, I have also been off the bi-pap during the day for a couple hours at a time so that is really good, yesterday I was off the bi-pap for 5 hours (I would put the bi-pap on occasionally for 10mins. or so) I just had a lot of visitors!

We thought my small chest tube might be coming out tomorrow but they saw a little leak this morning so now it will be delayed at least another day if there is no leak tomorrow! I don't care because I want to make sure they don't pull it if there is a leak! No going back to square one for me!

Just trying to eat and get some calories in I am burning at least twice as much as I am taking in! I have to give a huge thanks to my family for helping me out and bringing me good food and snacks. They have also been visiting a lot and hanging out with me, I have really liked getting to hang out with my brothers more and getting to know them better.

Gotta go read blogs now!

Long Update...

All right, so what has been going on????? Well thursday I had to do a CT scan you have no idea how hard this was for me, what a baby you may think, they are only 30secs. long! Well for me it was a fear that I had to do (look out fear factor nothing scares me now!) I haven't laid flat in over 10 years! I started out with two pillows and now have 4-5. That has always been my biggest one, but now add onto it that right now I am on bi-pap 24/7 not plain old oxygen with the nose canula like I use to be on and that they couldn't use it to transport me or during the procedure! I used oxygen but it was a lot harder to breathe.

It was hard but I got through it by praying the entire time! it was good to do it so that they could get a better picture of my lung and the air and what is going on. They did see more air in the upper right so they were thinking of doing another chest tube!

Then on friday imagine my surprise when the transport guy comes in and tells me I am going for a CT scan! "Not again" I say and start paging my nurse to protest, not going through that again, at least not the very next day! Come to find out it was for the chest tube but down where they took my CT scan, actually the same room and table, the difference was that the bi-pap machine worked and I was able to lay on my side with a few pillows!

The chest tube is called a pigtail and so they put another little pigtail in me and pulled my other one out so one little piggy went home..HaHa...this is my fourth tube but only two in my chest at a time.

As for eating I have been eating anything I can get! I am so hungry! but I also can't eat alot because of wearing the bi-pap. I have had Wingers (love their blackend chicken alfredo with added broccoli), Papa John's Whole Wheat Pizza (so so so so yummy!) Famous Dave's (everything is good there but I really like the pulled pork) , Swedish Fish, Jerky and turkey jerky, M&M's, Reese's Pieces, Skittles. All thanks to family and friends who are indulging me right now.

In other happy news my little girls came up to visit me yesterday, our friends who are nice enough to help us out by watching them also brought them up! and took pictures! I first have to say that these friends are the greatest, sorry I can't come up with a better word right now I am high on pain meds remember, but they have helped us out so much these past few months I don't know a better way to describe them than Christlike, they have every character that Christ has and they have the best one Charity, they not only have it but they live it. I hope that made sense and wasn't too messed up, I should be having someone else type this so they could double check what I'm saying.

It was so nice to see Chugs and Texas oh I miss them so much, Chugs knows where she is the minute you pull into the parking garage, J said that she starts so whimper and cry and then last night our friends confirmed it, also that our friend had to carry Chugs up because she was just trying to run and find us, so when they rounded the corner and saw J they went nuts, they almost pulled their necks off! and that was the most I have heard Chugs cry and whimper and even Texas was whimpering a little. I told J to take Chugs first because she is just so excited and crazy I would say he to Texas it worked fine but when Chugs said hey to me she had just the same amount of energy! She was licking me but since I have the mask on it's a little hard, but she was able to lick my eyeball!

I had a good visit with my little girls (and friends, they had recently visited San Antonio for the first time) Chugs never left me, which I was really surprised at because she is such a J dog! I thought she would at least spend a little time with him, but then again Chugs isn't your normal little dog she is very intuitive and sensitive to feelings and what is going on. I think she knew that Dad was going to go home and spend time with them sooner than Mom. After a while they even started playing!!! J's cot was out so they were just playing it like they do on our bed at night it was fun to see because they don't do that when we're gone.

Our friends said that during the day she sometimes lets them play in her house and they love it but they will just lay there and face the door that's the only way they face all the time, aaahhhh how sad!!!!!!!!!!! As they winded down they both settled in on my bed with me it was nice. I love having them and wish I could keep them here! I do have a fluffy stuffed animal dog I named 'Muffy' (if you don't know the story it's funny) and a little beanie baby one I named 'little brother' (from the Disney movie Mulan).

Okay wow that was a lot and took me quite awhile. I love everyone, thanks for all you have done for me and my little family.

Shorter Update

I ate lunch today! May not sound like news to you but I haven't eaten in 10 days! Now I need to add in dinner and breakfast and tons and tons of calories! Speaking of which I have the sweetest friend who sent me some chocolate all the way from Uruguay! I haven't had any yet but I will let you know what it tastes like and her package couldn't have come at a better time, my husband brought it to the hospital and it cheered me up.

Short Update

I finally feel like I can do a short update, the procedure went really well but the pain after was something to deal with, there is a fine line between too much pain mediine and respiratory failure! I don't want you all too think it was 'near death' but a couple times were very touchy.

My lungs are just super special! I once again have all the doctors scratching their heads and trying their best to do all they can do.

I hope this makes since I do have a lot of pain meds in me, just wanted to say I'm still here, still fighting.

Update.....

I got moved to the 5th floor yesterday afternoon and just hanging out waiting for the air to leave and my lung to re-expand all the way so the procedure is as effective as possible. Speaking of the procedure as it looks now I should have it done this afternoon, if you read this before, during, or even after I ask you to pray for me, that the procedure will go well, that I won't suffer any side-effects, and that the medicine will work as it is suppose to and we need it too.

Well, I should eat my 'lunch', I need to take a picture of some of this food!

Pneumothorax #3 #4 #5 #6

Yes you read that right I have had four episodes of Pneumothorax since Tuesday evening to Wednesday morning, my chest tube kept getting clogged and I would then have air fill my lungs and it would get really hard to breathe, I know I am making it sound much less serious than it was, the very first one (or #3 in this case) was so horrible they almost had to intubate me, luckily one of the dr.'s came in and did a special thing to the tube and all the air came out. It is amazing how that feels, one or two seconds earlier and you can't breathe, the you really do feel like your lung is expanding and you can breath again!

So after this happening a couple times that night they sent me to ICU then the next morning it started happening again, they decided to put in a bigger chest tube (can we say PAIN!!! bigger may mean better but it also means more pain) they were planning on taking me somewhere when within ten mins. I was calling them again telling them I couldn't breath, then they set stuff up in my room and in twenty mins. the tube was in and they were taping up!

It is more painful but a lot better than not breathing! They want to do a cat scan but I can't lay flat so we'll see what they do, also I don't know when they will 'glue' my lung now, the less air that is in there the more effective it will be.

So I am still in ICU but feeling good enough to blog! Well that's all for now it's nap time!

Pneumotherax #2

That's right, I couldn't catch my breath on friday, called J at school and had him come home and within 15mins. we were on our way to the ER!!!!!!! Once again I had air in my lungs making it really hard to breathe! Oh it is not fun! So transferred me to MICU and put in a chest tube (at that point you replace not being able to breath because of pressure to not being able to breathe because of pain!!) it's funny because you can totallay feel the 'air' escaping! the pressure just releases and I can breath again! Then the numbing medicine wears off and it feels like I have a sword in my side! a day or so later it just feels like a butter knife now.

I thought I might get out on Sunday, then maybe Monday, I'm now maybe hoping thursday! They are going to put 'glue' in there to 'glue' the lining of my lungs to the lining of the chest wall, well I had some air in so they waited another day and then today right before they got an x-ray and guess what? I have more air in my lungs! Also the chest tube has come out a little and for sanitary reasons etc. they can't just push it back in so I get a new one! Yipee for me! Then after waiting all day right before they do it he asks me if I have had anything to eat! Now I have to wait until tomorrow morning! Then they have to wait and make sure all the air is out of my lungs and then they can do the 'gluing', so I think I will still be here a couple days.

But I was able to get a computer again and it's so nice! I wish I had gotten one over the weekend because it made for a long weekend. Oh well I have one now. So I don't plan on getting out until at least thursday if not later.

My little sweethearts came to visit me today, they are so wonderful, although I think I need my sheets changed before I go to bed! It was worth it, I miss them.

Also J had his first day of 'clinicals' hangin' out with the RT's he had a good time it was the night shift so not much going on but still able to experience some stuff.

More to come, now I can catch up on some blogs!!!!! wish I could do pictures!

Cell Phone TOO Strong???

WOW!!!!!! There are a couple of these on You Tube, this is amazing!!!! Maybe there is something to how strong our cell phone is, I mean if it can pop popcorn!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V94shlqPlSI

Reading...

I was doing so good with posting, it's okay, it's only been three days... I have actually been reading and listening to books on CD lately, I use my Mom's library card to reserve books online because her library system is so much better than mine and so she brought me down like 15 books or talks on CD and 5 books! I plan on doing reviews but just thought I would mention the one I am reading and loving right now:

This is the best book! I love the way it was written and Sister Hinckley is such an amazing woman of faith and a great example of what type of woman we should be, reading it has made me want to be so much better, two things that get pointed out a lot are her faith and how she always lifts people up when they are in her presence. Those are two ways I strive to live my life every day too, and since I fall so short I will be saving quotes from the book to uplift me and keep me going and trying again and again.

This is a MUST READ!!!!

Puggle Trouble 2...

The title of the book describes Texas right now!!!! (I'll review the book in a different post)
She's at it again! Texas has been a little naughty lately, please refer back to this time, this time, and this time for previous Puggle trouble.
WHO ME?
LOOK HOW FAR DOWN THE BITES GO!
WHERE'S THE REST OF IT? THIS IS ALL I FOUND!
THE BOTTOM IS ALSO CHEWED, NO SURPRISE THERE!
THESE PAPERS WERE LAYING FLAT ON THE BOX, HOW DID SHE DO THAT?
I COULDN'T BELIEVE THIS ONE, LOOK AT THE LID! SHE TOTALLY SEPARATED THEM! AND YES THERE WERE TWO PILLS INSIDE, LUCKILY SHE DOESN'T LIKE THEM! I FOUND THEM IN PERFECT CONDITION!
SHE LOVES TO BITE THE BED SKIRT WHEN PLAYING WITH CHUGS...
ALSO ANY BLANKET (OR PILLOW) THAT IS AROUND..

BUT HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THIS ADORABLE GIRL? These are when she was a little girl.

Word of the Year....

I changed my word of the month to word of the year because I found a word that is perfect for my goal this year, I will still be researching and reading different subjects like Testimony, Faith, Prayer, etc... because they all have to do with my word of the year.... Discipleship!

First is a talk from Neal A. Maxwell perfectly titled 'Becoming a Disciple' found in Ensign, June 1996. Some excerpts that I found meaningful:

"There is no greater calling, no greater challenge, and no greater source of joy-both proximate joy and ultimate joy-than that which is found in the process of discipleship."

"Thus, while knowledge is clearly very important, standing alone it cannot save us. I worry sometimes that we get so busy discussing the doctrines in various Church classes that talking about them almost becomes a substitute for applying them. One cannot improve upon the sobering words of King Benjamin, who said, "Now, if you believe all these things see that ye do them" (Mosiah 4:10). Such is still the test. Deeds, not words-and becoming, not describing-are dominant in true discipleship."

"So it is that discipleship requires all of us to translate doctrines, covenants, ordinances, and teachings, into improved personal behavior. Otherwise we may be doctrinally rich but end up developmentally poor."

"In the journey of discipleship, we lose our old selves."

"For us, becoming like His Son, or "even as [Jesus is]," certainly is work ! (3 Ne. 27:27). Of necessity, this process requires the cross of discipleship to be taken up daily-not occasionally or seasonally."

"So it is that discipleship, far from being ascetic, is to choose joy over pleasure. It is to opt for the things of eternity over the trendy and appealing things of the moment. Eventually, we become readied for the final moment of consecration, when, gladly and completely, we let our wills be swallowed up in the will of the Father."

That is only half of the talk! Part 2 to come....(don't want it to be too long and lose any readers!)

My day today...

Just a little update on me today, I was still having a hard time breathing this morning and by this afternoon it felt a little worse and so we decided to go to the DR. we knew we needed an x-ray to see if there was any air in my lungs.

Can I just insert here and say how wonderful my Dr. is? nobody was answering their phones I called a couple different people and places and couldn't get a hold of anyone (the were all in a retirement party for someone) so I called her pager and she called me back right away (probably because she didn't know who it was!hehe!no she still would have, why do you think I have her number?) and told me to come and she would have the paperwork all ready to go to x-ray, I didn't have to wait at all (I remember as a kid we always had to wait forever for x-rays), then I was thinking we didn't talk about where to meet or talk after the x-ray but the receptionist told me that she already talked to him and told him to take me back to a room, we actually ended up talking for an hour or more and she did a couple extra stuff for us, she is so wonderful! I feel like she really listens and cares about me and my health.

So the x-ray showed no air but I do have some fluid in the left one so that could be causing some of the pain, as for the really tightness and trouble breathing it's probably from acid reflux that stuff is nasty! So hopefully I will be feeling better in a day or two. I did have a little hemoptysis last night so I started back on IV antibiotics, I was off for five whole days!!!!! Time to hitch that fanny pack right up onto my fanny, I was feeling like I was missing something lately! (because for the past 22 weeks I have been off a total of 12 days!).

At least there is no air! No chest tube, No hospital visit. The dogs sometimes sit (or stand?) in the weirdest positions....

Priesthood Blessing...

Today started out rough, no sleep whatsoever, I hate laying there all night awake but not enough to get up and go watch a movie (although I did turn on my iPod and listen to music) I turn over every hour and looked at the clock, man night can go by so slow! (maybe I need to include that in my previous post!!) I did fall asleep shortly after 6am but just startled myself awake because I thought the alarm didn't go off and J would miss school, I turned over to look at the clock, it was only 6:30 I had an hour before the alarm went off!!!!

When the alarm did go off I could have stayed in bed but I felt so bad that I knew I had best just get up do my therapy eat breakfast and go back to bed and hopefully I would fall asleep since I had been up for a little bit, I rested (notice I didn't say sleep) for two hours I did feel better but I wish I would fall asleep, took a shower and that totally drained me, then as the afternoon progressed I just had a hard time breathing, I tried to take a nap, again I kinda rested but my face was sweating even though I had the fan on. Finally J comes home from school and that always helps me, he could tell I was having a hard time breathing, we were talking about if we think it is pneumothorax and if we need to go to the ER for an x-ray to see.

I was having a hard time eating dinner, I just didn't feel like I could breathe while chewing! So we decided we should go in, I asked for a Priesthood blessing and our good friend and neighbor came over to assist J, it was so wonderful (like any of them aren't?) in the middle he said '...that your symptoms will be gone and you will have a feeling of comfort and peace..." and immediately I felt my lungs open up a little and I could breathe a little better, my heart slowed down (it had been beating fast for a couple hours) and a feeling of comfort and peace came over me, no this isn't a 'I was healed' story but a miracle in my life nonetheless, my lungs still hurt and it's still hard to breath like it's been for the past couple days, but not worse than it's been, so we will wait and see if I get worse then we will go in but after the blessing you could just tell there was a difference, I was a lot more peaceful and calm and breathing just a little bit better.

I wish I could share everything that was said in the blessing but that is in my personal journal, but it's amazing how the Lord knows you personally and what's in your heart and what your mission in life is. I have been praying to know what I am suppose to be doing to fulfill my mission on this earth because I have been told in other blessings that I will not leave this earth until I have fulfilled my mission so there is still something for me to do or that I should be doing, I got an answer to my personal prayer a couple weeks ago and it was confirmed tonight in the blessing, at least I know a little something of my individual mission.

I just wanted to share this along with my testimony, I know just as Joseph B. Wirthlin knows that:

"God’s love is complete and without limit for you and for all mankind. He is perfectly just and merciful. He is perfectly kind and understands your circumstances and condition. He knows you better than you know yourself.

Because your Heavenly Father is perfect, you can have complete faith in Him. You can trust Him."
Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Growing into the Priesthood,” Ensign, Nov 1999, 38

I too know that God's love is complete and without limit for me and for you, I too know that He is perfectly just and merciful, He is perfectly kind, I too know that He understands our circumstances and condition, He knows what we are going through! Elder Maxwell has told us that in addition to "coping successfully with those of life's challenges....there are also our customized trials"* And they are customized because He knows us better than we know ourselves, He knows how to help us develop our character to be like the Savior. I too know that because our Heavenly Father is perfect we can have complete faith in Him, we can trust Him, He's perfect!!! He will not give us anything we can't handle or learn from! It's all for us, so we need to place complete faith and trust in Him as we journey and endure this life.

*Neal A. Maxwell, "Apply the Atoning Blood of Christ," Ensign, Nov. 1997, 22

TIME...

Today was a good day (well my lung still hurts but I figured if I don't sit up straight it doesn't hurt as much so sitting hunched at the computer is great!) and I can't believe how much I have gotten done! And it's only 4pm!!!! I still have tons of the day left!!!! I haven't done big things, can't do those, but I have called people back (which I am so bad at) emailed, organized loose papers etc., I even took a nap! Just a day like today really makes you think about time, we all have the same amount and whether we use it or not it goes by fast. Although I do know that if you watch mindless TV the time goes by super fast, that is how you get through the day when you really really don't feel good!
I loved making brownies.

What an interesting thing time is, of course we all want and may need more of it in a day and we always wonder 'where did it go?' at the end of the day. I have been amazed this past year how fast time has gone for me, before I got really sick I was a regular wife/employee/patient, I worked part-time as well as did hair at home, I took care of everything in the house (laundry, cleaning, bills, errands, etc.) I loved to cook, although I am more of a 30-min. meal, not a lot of ingredients kinda gal, at one point I made my own whole wheat bread every week, I would juice fruits and veggies, and I even made homemade wheatgrass juice (you have to buy a special juicer for that) I was trying to learn to sew better I had so many projects started, I loved to vacuum I would do it twice a week, I was a wonderful wife (still am), one of the things I do to take care of my health is therapy three times a day (it takes 30mins each time), I was a primary teacher and the Activity Days leader for 11yr. olds, loved to read and was part of a bookclub, we only had Chugs then but we took her for a walk every single night (and we lived in a hilly area so it was good exercise) plus I somehow managed to watch some tv shows!. I had the same amount of time and yet I accomplished so much in a day! I was always doing something, go, go, go...I even did stuff while I watched TV (then I didn't feel as guilty) I did so many cross-stitched items. Now I will go days without doing or accomplishing anything and the days still go by fast! I thought that I would be so bored that the days would drag on and on, it's just the opposite! Time is flyin' by! Days come and go, don't get me wrong I am so glad that they don't drag on but at the same time I can't believe that I didn't accomplish anything! or that I paid one bill and that was my accomplishment for the day.
Cross-stitching a book marker while watching TV and snuggling the dog.
A cross-stitch I did for a Halloween Swap.

I don't like wasting time and yet I can't do anything about it when I have bad days, and even though my husband tells me its okay because I don't feel good, I still feel like I have wasted time and life, I want to be enriching my life and still learning or still using my talents etc..not wasting away my life by filling it with mindless TV or to be honest blog surfing (reading friends blogs and some new friends is fine, it's when you are just sitting there hour after hour clicking on this name and that one until you have no idea how you got to this persons...although you might end up finding a new friend, I have done that several times.)
Baby booties I crocheted for a friends baby.

I don't know if I can ever by 'okay' with the days that I don't accomplish or enrich my life. I have gotten much better (we don't have cable anymore, kinda forces you to turn the TV off) I read a lot more (as in listen to books on CD or read past issues of the Ensign online, once in awhile it's a real book) but when I don't feel good it makes me tired!!!! then I end up taking a nap, blah, blah, blah, the day is wasted. Sometimes I think I want to take an online course but I don't know if I would have enough good days to do it, I should they give you a year! And I want to cross-stitch more (I started one for my nephew shortly after I found out my sister was pregnant and now he is here! I use to do small cross-stitches in a week!) but I just don't have energy too, which to me is sad! I'm just sitting there and I can't even cross-stitch!!! I guess it just takes a lot of energy for me to breath! Speaking of lots of energy to breath it also takes a lot of calories to breath, and you would think that since I'm home all day and loafing around that I could eat a lot and hopefully gain weight, not me! like I said time goes by fast and I feel like I'm eating all the time even if it's just a snack in between lunch and dinner, I think it's because I don't do much inbetween so it feels like I just ate or that that's all I do is eat! I also have to drink high calorie shakes because I need around 2500 calories right now to just maintain my weight, and I need to gain 20lbs! So this has gotten off subject. Do I erase it? Keep it? Copy it into a new post? I'm too proud of being able to write all this to erase it so you get to keep it.

So here's to time and may we all use it wisely and accomplish good things!

By the way this post took me one and half hours!?!?!

New Month/New Me!

That's right, it's a new month and a new me, a better blogging me, I *plan* on posting about all the things I read and also more pictures and videos (although if I use them up too fast I won't have anything later on, I mean dogs only do so much!). So although I should start today it's late and I don't want to, so hopefully tomorrow(?). Here are some good pictures for now, self-portraits.


I think Chugs is doing the tongue roll in this picture, pretty good job, if I had known I would have done one too!
Texas smiling because she just came in from running around outside, she loves being outside and running around!
Not the best picture of Texas but I look better because I'm not so close to the camera!