"A Final Bit of Closure"

Roshelle's mom text messaged me yesterday to let me know that her headstone was placed Tuesday. So I took a break from studying and went to take pictures of the headstone. So now the sacred ground that she rests in is officially named.

"Be Thankful Alway's"

Today I was pondering the many blessings that are in my life and I feel it's important to express them openly.

1) I'm Thankful for an all loving Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ. I'm Thankful for The Savior's atoning sacrifice
and His death and resurrection.

2) I'm Thankful for the Prophet Joseph Smith. " Praise to the Man who communed with Jehovah."

3) I'm Thankful for a Prophet and Apostles that lead and guide the Lord's church in these troubled times.

4) I'm Thankful for Temples that are springing up around the world. I'm Thankful for covenants that are made in the "House of
the Lord." I'm Thankful for eternal marriage and the doctrine that lies therein, that Husband and Wife can be married for
time and all eternity.

5) I'm Thankful for the power of the priesthood and all the blessings that spring from it.

6) I'm Thankful for my wife Roshelle. I'm Thankful for her Christ like love for me, her faith, her testimony, her forgiveness, her
heart, her trust, and all eternity with her as my companion. I'm Thankful for the time that we had with each other and that
we lived a covenant marriage. It was a pleasure to serve you for the duration of our marriage. Thank you for teaching me
how to become more like the Savior by serving you. I'm honored to be your husband!

7) I'm Thankful for my friend Collette even though you are gone. I'm Thankful for all that you have done for me and my wife.
Roshelle was on cloud nine after you took her to go get her hair cut in May. Thank you for putting a smile on her face.
Thank you for your love, your friendship, your trust, your kindness, and warm embrace. Please remember me!

8) I'm Thankful for Roshelle's parents and siblings. I'm Thankful for their Christ like love and support during our marriage.
I'm forever grateful that they raised such an incredible daughter and trusted me with her care. They have become true
friends and they love me as their own.

9) I'm Thankful for amazing friends, ward members, class mates, teachers, and even complete strangers that saw that Roshelle and
I couldn't do it alone. It was truly a group effort in this labor of love for Roshelle and I. Thank you from the bottom of my
heart.

10) I'm Thankful for " The Power of Deliverance."

11) I'm Thankful that the Lord is directing friends into my life, as well as compensating blessings to buffer what I have lost.

12) I'm Thankful for the Holy Ghost. I have seen much and felt much since Roshelle went into the hospital. I'm Thankful for the
Comforter that speaks peace to my broken heart. I'm Thankful for being lead by the spirit on a daily bases.

13) I'm Thankful for the chance to receive an education and to be able secure a better tomorrow because of that.

14) I'm Thankful for these experiences that have taught me so much. I can see how the Lord is refining me and sculpting me
for the eternities. I can see how He is preparing me for things that will shortly come. I'm Thankful for such a clear eternal
perspective at such a young age and I find that I've become wiser beyond my life experiences.

"Grief"

I don't think I have had a full night's sleep since Collette and I broke up November 1st. I've had very few since Roshelle passed away as well. I find myself mentally, physically, and emotionally spent. Their is a heart ache that never leaves me, it keeps me up all night, and follows me around everywhere I go. Their is nothing that seems to take it away, it is always their, and their is no escape. I ran into a 28 year old widow of two and a half years that works in the ICU and she said, "Jeremy it will never go away." I'm well aware of that!!

I can't tell you how hard it is to have your wife die. It's almost as if my very being has been shattered to a million pieces, my polar star has lost it's light, the light house off in the distance is no more. I can still see every detail of her face, I can remember the touch of her hand, I hear her giggling in the next room, I can hear her still whisper I love you in my ear, and I lone to be with her. I miss my friend, my soul mate, my eternal companion, the love of my life, the women of my dreams, the capture of my heart. You loved me unconditionally despite my weaknesses, you believed in me, you built me up, and you fought for your life just so we could have a few more moments with each other. I want you back, their is so much left undone, like raise a family, move into our first home, buy a new car, and just go and live our lives. I know why you had to leave, it's ok, your mine for all of time and all eternity. Until we meet again!!


I miss my best friend and I wish I could have her back!!!!

" The Unbreakable Bonds of the Temple Sealing"

I remember sitting outside the University of Utah Hospital in August of 2006, I was losing hope that Roshelle would survive this hospital visit, and I was heart broken. I looked across the valley to behold the rain filled sky and the lighting crashing to the ground off in the distance, and the smell of rain. What I saw, was truly how I felt inside, I felt that I was being engulfed in a storm.

This was the moment when I felt the true welding of the temple sealing. I knew without a doubt that death or hell could not separate us, it was absolutely unbreakable. It was an amazing experience! I felt that link again in April of 2008, after Roshelle coughed up blood in the hospital, we thought that it was the end, and we cried in each others arms, and said our goodbyes. I felt it throughout her last hospitalization, it helped me in those last few hours of her life as she sat in my arms for the last time on this earth. I remember thinking about all the memories that I had of her and I just cried softly as she faded off to sleep. Theirs not a day that goes by that I don't feel that eternal bond between us

I'm thankful for the Temples that now dot the world, I'm thankful for the sealing power of the Priesthood of God. I'm eternally thankful that the two of us put the Lord first in our lives and honored our covenants. I know families can be together for ever, I know this in some of the most intimate way's, and because I'm living it..

"The Pornography Plague"

About a week ago I found a web site that had women tell their personal stories about their husbands addiction to pornography. I could feel their pain and their anguish for just a moment. My heart broke for them and for their kids. I can't even imagine the literal hell that they must have been through and are still going through. It was sad to see them lose their identity, even their very existance, and to even see some think it was their fault. It truly was sickening to see this.

The closes I've come to feeling like these women is sometime when I got home from my mission. I was up stairs on the computer and I looked down to throw some trash in the garbage and their to my disbelief a playboy magazine was laying in the trash can. My dad was just up their on the computer and I for some reason connected it to him. I was absolutely devastated! I could picture my family being destroyed by it and losing the blessings of eternity because of it. I felt that my father had betrayed all of us. I felt inspired to pray and so I did. By the time I was done with the prayer, I knew that the magazine was not his, and I knew who it belonged to. I was relieved!

Satan is so darn smart and crafty. I liken his plan to a knight fighting a dragon, you can't hurt the dragon by body blows, you have to cut off it's head. This is what Satan is doing in LDS families and families across the world. The head of the dragon is the father in the home and with it, the Priesthood of God. His plan is quite simple, destroy the man first (Doctrine and Covenants 42:23), "And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit", and the wife will soon be destroyed, and the children next.

It's amazing how one man's poor decisions over 15+ plus years ago affect my life now. I have never partaken of this evil and yet it has indirectly affected my life in the last three months. I have seen first hand the affects it has on a wife and I've been let into some of the most darkest times of her life, and it is scary. I can see how it affected our relationship and how it might have led to it's demise. In fact the underlying cause of our break up, I believe is because of the emotional damage that had occured to this woman many years ago.

I actually despise this man! How could you walk away from this beautiful woman, this Child of God, his daughter, this wonderful mother, your eternal companion, your two children, and all eternity with them. I loved your wife and your children with all my heart and soul. I loved them and treated them like you should've. Do you know how lucky you were to have a wife who loved you with all her heart and soul. I would've given anything to have had what you had with her. You should be ashamed of yourself because,"...Ye have broken the heart of your tender wife, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds" (Jacob 2:35).

To my friend who asked, "Can I ever be fully healed of this." My answer is absolutely "yes" you can. The Lord has blessed you with an unconquerable spirit, a spirit that yearns for righteousness, and a spirit that desires His Kingdom. The Savior came into this world to " bind up the broken hearted" and it's by His sacrifice that we can be made whole again. I promise you, "... eyes that are wet will one day be tearless" (LDS Hymn,"Do What Is Right"). My prayers will be forever with you. Love you my friend, even though you are gone!