Joy Is In the Journey!

SEPTEMBER 13, 2009 It's amazing how this last 12 months has flown by already. I've struggled in some of my darkest hours in mourning the loss of my best friend. I've felt some of the most painful feelings that I'll ever know in this life. I've literally have had my heart broken into a million pieces. As dark as my most painful hours have been I've been able to smile through all the tears because of my Savior's love for me. I know that he knows my grief and pain in a more intimate way than I even will. He truly has ran to me in so many way's during my time of need and He has lifted me and has carried my burden.

As much as it has hurt I have found joy in the journey. I've learned so much about myself and how strong I've become. I see life in such a different way than most people and what this life is about. When I went hiking or backpacking in the past I was always so caught up in the destination of that pristine camping spot next to the lake. My goal was to get there as fast as I could and when I did that's when the beauty and solitude would start for me. I would hike head down and pound the miles out until we would arrive. I couldn't wait to get there and to enjoy my little Eden away from the hustle-and-bustle of the grind of life. After Roshelle died last August I went backpacking for three day's with a friend and his brother. For the first time I found myself looking all around me and taking my time. I would stop, take a deep breath in and feel the crisp clean air fill my lungs. I would stop along the way and turn around and take in the view that was behind me and affront of me. I could finally enjoy the warmth of the sun that kissed my face and the cool mourning breeze that chilled me because of the sweat that was on my face. I layed in the tent the next day tired and not feeling good. I layed in the tent with Texas(my dog) for hours on end and slept all day and just listened to the wind wrestle the tree's above me. I would open the tent fly to get a cross breeze in the tent and let Texas snoop around. I found myself fascinated with the micro world that I could see on the ground with it's varying types of insects. As with us they have to live their life gathering food, raising off spring, and building a home.

"Joy Is In the Journey" and I have to remind myself every day to look around and take in the view. Spend a little extra time with someone in need, kiss a little longer, hug someone like you never want to let them go, tell the one you love that they mean the world to you, don't get casual with the words " I love you" mean it, be quick to forgive, look for the good in the world (you only see what you want), and simply put, live your life with no regrets. I'm still trying to apply all this in my life right now and forever. But the beauty of this life will unfold to us when we remember that " Joy Is In the Journey."

Happy Birthday Roshelle!

I miss Roshelle asking me what I bought her on March 1st and my typical dumb look of it's not your birthday yet dear. In typical Roshelle fashion, she say's it's my birthday month and I should get something everyday of the month. Hmmm...spoiled brattttt!!! I remember one birthday when we had this conversation I reached down and kissed her on the lips and wished her happy birthday. She said, your not getting off that easy, you have to do something little for me each day of the month and so the tradition started.

Happy Birthday Roshelle! I'm glad you have been around me the last couple of day's. You have been so close that I at times could've reached out and touched you. Thank You! I miss you beyond what my finite mind can comprehend, my soul hungers to be with you, and their is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you or miss you. Happy Birthday my LOVE!

"The Strength of A Woman"

I had the opportunity to go to the Draper Temple open house on February 28th. I went with a woman named Jenny that I have been dating for the last two month's and her three children. We sat next to each other and held hands during the eleven minute video about Temple's. During the video my heart was very tender for the Temple, the eternal family, the power of the Priesthood, and the Savior and His Atonement. The five of us took a bus to the Temple grounds and entered the Lord's House. Even though the Temple isn't dedicated yet, I could still feel the Spirit strongly as we walked around it. As we walked around the Temple I continued to hold Jenny's hand and every once in a while put my arm around her waist.

As we made our way around the Temple I could feel "The Strength of A Woman" at my side for the first time since Roshelle passed away. I could feel the power of her testimony, her faith, I knew she believed in me and cared for me. I could feel it everywhere we went that evening. I felt closer to her spiritually and emotionally as well. I can't describe in words what I truly felt, except that the "Power" woman posse is truly Divine. She warmed me from within this evening.

Jenny and I talked that evening about our thoughts and feelings of the night. I told her what I felt as we walked around that evening. She said that she felt the same way and told me that she just couldn't stop looking at me the entire night. She said that she couldn't believe that she had a righteous Priesthood holder at her side and loved the feeling of having someone that truly cared for her.

Deep in the Heart of Texas!

My sister in-law Cara and her husband Justin flew me down to San Antonio for Christmas break. I had fun down there talking about old times and new ones as well. It was fun to be able to play with their children and spend time with them. I got lots of baby cuddles so I won't do something stupid like go get married so I can be a father. I got my share of Cara's excellent cooking and a good dose of tex-mex and BBQ. I enjoyed watching their kids tear open their Christmas presents on Christmas day. I've never have been on the adult end of things and so I loved watching the joy on their little faces.

I had the opportunity to rent a car and go down to Houston for a few day's as well. I ate lunch with my parents and brother twice and saw their home for the first time down there. I spent time with my friend Robb and Rebekah and their two little girls. I was able to see some old friends while playing basketball one night with them.

"A Final Bit of Closure"

Roshelle's mom text messaged me yesterday to let me know that her headstone was placed Tuesday. So I took a break from studying and went to take pictures of the headstone. So now the sacred ground that she rests in is officially named.

"Be Thankful Alway's"

Today I was pondering the many blessings that are in my life and I feel it's important to express them openly.

1) I'm Thankful for an all loving Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ. I'm Thankful for The Savior's atoning sacrifice
and His death and resurrection.

2) I'm Thankful for the Prophet Joseph Smith. " Praise to the Man who communed with Jehovah."

3) I'm Thankful for a Prophet and Apostles that lead and guide the Lord's church in these troubled times.

4) I'm Thankful for Temples that are springing up around the world. I'm Thankful for covenants that are made in the "House of
the Lord." I'm Thankful for eternal marriage and the doctrine that lies therein, that Husband and Wife can be married for
time and all eternity.

5) I'm Thankful for the power of the priesthood and all the blessings that spring from it.

6) I'm Thankful for my wife Roshelle. I'm Thankful for her Christ like love for me, her faith, her testimony, her forgiveness, her
heart, her trust, and all eternity with her as my companion. I'm Thankful for the time that we had with each other and that
we lived a covenant marriage. It was a pleasure to serve you for the duration of our marriage. Thank you for teaching me
how to become more like the Savior by serving you. I'm honored to be your husband!

7) I'm Thankful for my friend Collette even though you are gone. I'm Thankful for all that you have done for me and my wife.
Roshelle was on cloud nine after you took her to go get her hair cut in May. Thank you for putting a smile on her face.
Thank you for your love, your friendship, your trust, your kindness, and warm embrace. Please remember me!

8) I'm Thankful for Roshelle's parents and siblings. I'm Thankful for their Christ like love and support during our marriage.
I'm forever grateful that they raised such an incredible daughter and trusted me with her care. They have become true
friends and they love me as their own.

9) I'm Thankful for amazing friends, ward members, class mates, teachers, and even complete strangers that saw that Roshelle and
I couldn't do it alone. It was truly a group effort in this labor of love for Roshelle and I. Thank you from the bottom of my
heart.

10) I'm Thankful for " The Power of Deliverance."

11) I'm Thankful that the Lord is directing friends into my life, as well as compensating blessings to buffer what I have lost.

12) I'm Thankful for the Holy Ghost. I have seen much and felt much since Roshelle went into the hospital. I'm Thankful for the
Comforter that speaks peace to my broken heart. I'm Thankful for being lead by the spirit on a daily bases.

13) I'm Thankful for the chance to receive an education and to be able secure a better tomorrow because of that.

14) I'm Thankful for these experiences that have taught me so much. I can see how the Lord is refining me and sculpting me
for the eternities. I can see how He is preparing me for things that will shortly come. I'm Thankful for such a clear eternal
perspective at such a young age and I find that I've become wiser beyond my life experiences.

"Grief"

I don't think I have had a full night's sleep since Collette and I broke up November 1st. I've had very few since Roshelle passed away as well. I find myself mentally, physically, and emotionally spent. Their is a heart ache that never leaves me, it keeps me up all night, and follows me around everywhere I go. Their is nothing that seems to take it away, it is always their, and their is no escape. I ran into a 28 year old widow of two and a half years that works in the ICU and she said, "Jeremy it will never go away." I'm well aware of that!!

I can't tell you how hard it is to have your wife die. It's almost as if my very being has been shattered to a million pieces, my polar star has lost it's light, the light house off in the distance is no more. I can still see every detail of her face, I can remember the touch of her hand, I hear her giggling in the next room, I can hear her still whisper I love you in my ear, and I lone to be with her. I miss my friend, my soul mate, my eternal companion, the love of my life, the women of my dreams, the capture of my heart. You loved me unconditionally despite my weaknesses, you believed in me, you built me up, and you fought for your life just so we could have a few more moments with each other. I want you back, their is so much left undone, like raise a family, move into our first home, buy a new car, and just go and live our lives. I know why you had to leave, it's ok, your mine for all of time and all eternity. Until we meet again!!


I miss my best friend and I wish I could have her back!!!!

" The Unbreakable Bonds of the Temple Sealing"

I remember sitting outside the University of Utah Hospital in August of 2006, I was losing hope that Roshelle would survive this hospital visit, and I was heart broken. I looked across the valley to behold the rain filled sky and the lighting crashing to the ground off in the distance, and the smell of rain. What I saw, was truly how I felt inside, I felt that I was being engulfed in a storm.

This was the moment when I felt the true welding of the temple sealing. I knew without a doubt that death or hell could not separate us, it was absolutely unbreakable. It was an amazing experience! I felt that link again in April of 2008, after Roshelle coughed up blood in the hospital, we thought that it was the end, and we cried in each others arms, and said our goodbyes. I felt it throughout her last hospitalization, it helped me in those last few hours of her life as she sat in my arms for the last time on this earth. I remember thinking about all the memories that I had of her and I just cried softly as she faded off to sleep. Theirs not a day that goes by that I don't feel that eternal bond between us

I'm thankful for the Temples that now dot the world, I'm thankful for the sealing power of the Priesthood of God. I'm eternally thankful that the two of us put the Lord first in our lives and honored our covenants. I know families can be together for ever, I know this in some of the most intimate way's, and because I'm living it..

"The Pornography Plague"

About a week ago I found a web site that had women tell their personal stories about their husbands addiction to pornography. I could feel their pain and their anguish for just a moment. My heart broke for them and for their kids. I can't even imagine the literal hell that they must have been through and are still going through. It was sad to see them lose their identity, even their very existance, and to even see some think it was their fault. It truly was sickening to see this.

The closes I've come to feeling like these women is sometime when I got home from my mission. I was up stairs on the computer and I looked down to throw some trash in the garbage and their to my disbelief a playboy magazine was laying in the trash can. My dad was just up their on the computer and I for some reason connected it to him. I was absolutely devastated! I could picture my family being destroyed by it and losing the blessings of eternity because of it. I felt that my father had betrayed all of us. I felt inspired to pray and so I did. By the time I was done with the prayer, I knew that the magazine was not his, and I knew who it belonged to. I was relieved!

Satan is so darn smart and crafty. I liken his plan to a knight fighting a dragon, you can't hurt the dragon by body blows, you have to cut off it's head. This is what Satan is doing in LDS families and families across the world. The head of the dragon is the father in the home and with it, the Priesthood of God. His plan is quite simple, destroy the man first (Doctrine and Covenants 42:23), "And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit", and the wife will soon be destroyed, and the children next.

It's amazing how one man's poor decisions over 15+ plus years ago affect my life now. I have never partaken of this evil and yet it has indirectly affected my life in the last three months. I have seen first hand the affects it has on a wife and I've been let into some of the most darkest times of her life, and it is scary. I can see how it affected our relationship and how it might have led to it's demise. In fact the underlying cause of our break up, I believe is because of the emotional damage that had occured to this woman many years ago.

I actually despise this man! How could you walk away from this beautiful woman, this Child of God, his daughter, this wonderful mother, your eternal companion, your two children, and all eternity with them. I loved your wife and your children with all my heart and soul. I loved them and treated them like you should've. Do you know how lucky you were to have a wife who loved you with all her heart and soul. I would've given anything to have had what you had with her. You should be ashamed of yourself because,"...Ye have broken the heart of your tender wife, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds" (Jacob 2:35).

To my friend who asked, "Can I ever be fully healed of this." My answer is absolutely "yes" you can. The Lord has blessed you with an unconquerable spirit, a spirit that yearns for righteousness, and a spirit that desires His Kingdom. The Savior came into this world to " bind up the broken hearted" and it's by His sacrifice that we can be made whole again. I promise you, "... eyes that are wet will one day be tearless" (LDS Hymn,"Do What Is Right"). My prayers will be forever with you. Love you my friend, even though you are gone!

6th year wedding anniversary!

Last night I brought out the old wedding album to remember that special day. I couldn't help noticing how young we looked, how naive we were to what lied ahead. It was a wonderful day. I remember the strong feelings that were felt that day and the peace of knowing that it was right. I also remember wondering if I loved this women enough to get through the hard times. Did I really love her? It wasn't until five weeks later that I was tested to the very limits of the love that I had for her. I remember the doctor telling me that Roshelle was very sick and the next 24 to 48 hours would determine if she was going to live. I went back to the room, got down on my knee's and poured my heart out to the Lord that he would spare her life. I actually never said a word in this prayer. It was the groanings of my heart that offered this prayed. I couldn't physically utter a word. That day would be the story of our marriage. It wasn't until January 2003, that they got the bleeding to finally stop. It was through this ordeal that let me know that I loved this person with all my heart. I found this quote not long after this ordeal tucked in my scriptures by President Spencer W. Kimball: "What is love? Many people think of it as mere physical attraction and they casually speak of 'falling in love' and 'love at first sight.' This may be Hollywood's version and the interpretation of those who write love songs and love fiction. True love is not wrapped up in flimsy material. One might become immediately attracted to another individual, but love is far more than physical attraction. It is deep, inclusive, and comprehensive. Physical attraction is one of the many elements; there must be faith and confidence and understanding and partnership. There must be common ideals and standards. There must be great devotion and companionship. Love is cleanliness and progress and sacrifice and selflessness. This kind of love never tires or wanes, but lives through sickness and sorrow, poverty and privation, accomplishment and disappointment, time and eternity."
It brings great joy to know that I loved this women with all my heart. I'm thankful for the time that I was given with her. I can look back and know that I gave her my all and she gave me her all as well. I'm thankful for covenants that Roshelle and I made in the temple. It was the only way that we could have gotten through this. I love you Roshelle!

Moving on

Moving on. How does one do this when you still live in the life that you once shared together. I walk into the house and expect to see her on the couch. I walk into the different rooms of the house looking for her and she's not there. My phone rings and I look to see if its her. I wake up in the middle of the night crying and calling out her name. I search Roshelle's friends and families blogs hoping that I some how might find her or I learn something new about her. Moving on. Hmmmmm, maybe one day.

"Until we meet again"

At 7:30a.m. Roshelle leigh Evans passed away from complications from cystic fibrosis. I would like to thank all our friends and family for your thoughts and prayers. Funeral details are pending.

"Women why weepest thou"

During the last two to three weeks we have seen a steady decline in Roshelle's health. She has been more short of breath and has had increased pain with it. We both knew it was just a matter of time before the next crisis. Today around 3:30p.m. Roshelle called me in a panick. She was coughing up blood! It took the nursing staff a while to answer the call light, but they finally did. I talked to the nurse and she called the CF team doctor and got them running. When I arrived at the hospital her dad had already made it there. Roshelle expressed to him that she didn't want to cough up blood again. We discussed this as a family and deciced to go with pallitive care sedation this evening. Roshelle and I have discussed this at lenght about when it could be appropriate to do this. We didn't want to play God and shorten her life. The problem with the last year of Roshelle's disease is that we have been quickly painted into a corner. The disease progression eventualy becomes a one way street. Going back hasn't been an option this past two years.
This evening Roshelle's dad, and two brothers gathered and said goodbye this evening. Shortly after Roshelle was given sedation medicines to take away the severe shortness of breath that she was having post hemoptysis. At this time she is resting comfortably as I type this. Roshelle will probably passaway sometime today and part the veil its just a matter of when.
One of my favorite accounts is in the first four gospels of the new testament. When Mary Magdaline(can't spell)went too the tomb of her Master and found it empty, she was distraught and wanted to know where they had taken her Lord. A man appeared to her and she being stricken with grief didn't reconize the ressurected Savior. The Savior asked her "women why weepest thou", and then testified that he has risen. I believe that the Savior just wasn't talking to her when he said those words. I believe he was talking to us all. When one of our own love one's departs us, the Saviors words "why weepest thou" was meant for us as well. The most important words that were said in this story was "He is risen"
I would like to thank all our dear sweet friends and family for their love and support during these difficult two years. I will let everyone know when Roshelle passes and funeral arrangements.

My Day

The afternoon after I woke up, the lady from ultrasound woke me up from my nap, and when I woke up I realized my thighs really hurt, a lot of tingling pain. So I just sat there while she did the ultrasound on my right arm. She diden't find anything, good news. They still don't know what is causing my arm to be twice the size it is. So after she left, I tried to get in a chair, and WOW, was that painful. I couldn't straighten my right leg at all and so I quickly got in the chair, sat down. Boy, did they both hurt!

I tried to get back in bed. That hurt worse. I got in the chair again, and it still hurt. I can't remember if I took my Ativan. I took some Ativan late afternoon and prayed to go to sleep because it hurt so bad. I looked pretty silly with seven or eight pullows in every direction, trying to manipulate my legs so they were set where I wanted them, also my back and head.

(I'm not sure all this is in the right order.) I woke up and got in the chair again because I felt better and my brother arrived. My mom sent up some food, which was perfect timing, because the cafeteria food was so bad. I had ordered spaghetti, but this is what I got.

I started eating while my brother went to the cafeteria. He got back a little past seven. I pulled up the TV guide on the computer to see what we could watch. Normally, we watch a show at 8 that we watch together, but it wasn't on. It wasn't on for three whole weeks. We went to the web site, which said it was on. It said it was on Aug. 5, so my brother looked at his phone and it said it was Aug. 4, and the sign on my wall said it was Aug. 4. My brother usually stays with me on Tuesdays, so we were both confused and found there was nothing to watch on TV! That was sad!

We ended up watching a couple hours of stupid, stupid TV. Since we were both tired, we went to sleep.

A Tribute to My Two Dogs....

This is just as hard as a tribute to my husband! (which I thought of doing but wont) These little doggies are the best doggies in the world! I swear! I know ever body says that but this is true!

These girls are so tuned in to you, expecially Chugs she has always been there for me, she knows when I need her, even before I do sometimes!

They love to snuggle, A LOT!!!!

They are so full of LOVE....

Since others have picked up on how much I love my dogs and that they mean a lot to me I have had many give me stuffed dogs to help me get through my hospital stay, since Texas is a deep sleeper I was able get a picture of her with the animals...

The great outdoors...

Texas got on her hind legs to look out the window and it was so cute, since she stood like that for awhile I suggested to Jeremy that he get a chair for her. It worked she sat there looking out the window for quite some time, and then Chugs waited for her turn!!!!

Chugs likes to use her turn to 'fur tan' as we call it.

Encouraging words.....

I read this wonderful talk by Richard G. Scott entitled "Finding Joy in Life" from the May 1996 Ensign, here are some quotes I liked....

You are one of the noblest of God’s creations. His intent is that your life be gloriously beautiful regardless of your circumstances. As you are grateful and obedient, you can become all that God intends you to be.

Sadness, disappointment, and severe challenge are events in life, not life itself. I do not minimize how hard some of these events are. They can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining center of everything you do. The Lord inspired Lehi to declare the fundamental truth, “Men are, that they might have joy.” That is a conditional statement: “they might have joy.” It is not conditional for the Lord. His intent is that each of us finds joy. It will not be conditional for you as you obey the commandments, have faith in the Master, and do the things that are necessary to have joy here on earth.

Your joy in life depends upon your trust in Heavenly Father and His holy Son, your conviction that their plan of happiness truly can bring you joy. Pondering their doctrine will let you enjoy the beauties of this earth and enrich your relationships with others. It will lead you to the comforting, strengthening experiences that flow from prayer to Father in Heaven and the answers He gives in return.

A pebble held close to the eye appears to be a gigantic obstacle. Cast on the ground, it is seen in perspective. Likewise, problems or trials in our lives need to be viewed in the perspective of scriptural doctrine. Otherwise they can easily overtake our vision, absorb our energy, and deprive us of the joy and beauty the Lord intends us to receive here on earth. Some people are like rocks thrown into a sea of problems. They are drowned by them. Be a cork. When submerged in a problem, fight to be free to bob up to serve again with happiness.

You are here on earth for a divine purpose. It is not to be endlessly entertained or to be constantly in full pursuit of pleasure. You are here to be tried, to prove yourself so that you can receive the additional blessings God has for you. The tempering effect of patience is required. Some blessings will be delivered here in this life; others will come beyond the veil. The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience. If you question everything you are asked to do, or dig in your heels at every unpleasant challenge, you make it harder for the Lord to bless you.

Your agency, the right to make choices, is not given so that you can get what you want. This divine gift is provided so that you will choose what your Father in Heaven wants for you. That way He can lead you to become all that He intends you to be. That path leads to glorious joy and happiness.

More pics....

Not much else to do but take and edit photos! Now that I have a system worked out. I have a great post in my head for next time (or as soon as I can) so check back... I just cropped these and love them....

Texas and Chugs at the Hospital...

Okay I think I got it, I think I can put some photos on the blog,Yippe! Here are some from last night, speaking of which, they havde spent the night twice so far and are really good dogs, the first night Chugs barked whenever someone came in the room (and I know you know how often that is! at leat for me it's every hour. But they have really enjoyed being up here you can tell, they love to fight and play again and just be with us, be a family again.
Hope these pictures turned out okay, remember it's a phone camera!

Testing..1.2.3.testing....

I took some pictures on my phone, sent them to my mom, had my mom email them to her and then email them to me(or maybe she just emailed me from her phone don't know), at least I have some pictures to post!

Update: I have gotten one to post, why can't I get the others???????