Driving in Utah

Just to clear my record I DO NOT DRIVE LIKE THIS! But it is very very true of drivers in Utah.


BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN UTAH

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real

Utah driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe

distance between you and the car in front of you, or

the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting

you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the

smaller the chance you have of being hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

No one expects it and it will result in you being

rear-ended.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible

to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice,

relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.

For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch

your legs.

6. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the

right. It's a good way to scare people entering the

highway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a

suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in Utah

during rush hour.

8. Just because you're in the left lane and have no

room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Utah

driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't

think he can go faster in your spot.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an

accident or even someone changing a tire.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Utah is the home of

high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway

Department, which puts potholes in key locations to

test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

11. It is traditional in Utah to honk your horn at

cars that don't move the instant the light turns

green.

12. Remember that the goal of every Utah driver is to

get there first by whatever means necessary.

13. If a driver stupidly signals to get into your

lane, accelerate as fast as possible so that they can

move in behind you. They either don't know what

they're doing or are from out of state. Remember,

using your blinkers confuses Utah drivers.

14. If you haven't maneuvered into the correct lane to

exit, because you are on an important cell phone call,

feel free to swerve across 3 lanes without signaling.

You wouldn't want to waste the extra fuel by waiting

for the next one. Besides, that's why they widened the

highway.

15. Whenever in the left lane, drive a few miles per

hour under the speed limit and don't move over to let

other drivers through. It's your duty to make sure

people aren't speeding.

16. Slam on your brakes whenever you see a police

officer. It's a good way to warn other drivers that

they should all fall in line behind the officer to

form a traffic bottleneck. Once he has safely exited,

resume speeding.